Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Watching her eat just hurts me
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
