He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
