Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
