If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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