You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
