Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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