You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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