I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
