My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
