here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
