I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
