there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
