If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
