so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
