he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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