Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
