I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
