You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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