Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
