When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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