My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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