Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
