plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
