I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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