I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
