so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
