i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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