Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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