the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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