my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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