i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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