Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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