Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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