I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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