A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
