this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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