The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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