is your mom at the bar?
Your face is a jimmy john
i will never coherently bang her
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
