i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
