did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
