I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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