There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
bring money and cleavage
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
