How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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