you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
