Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Randomize
