Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
