watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
