I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
