You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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