sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
