The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
pray to the hookup gods
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
