i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
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