I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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