There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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